My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.