@FatherWithTwins: My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.
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@DumbConfessions: *sees couple holding hands* *violently breaks them apart* "Go. You're free now."
@AndyKindler: "I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That's crazy." Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
@FudgeRobot: My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.