@FatherWithTwins: My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn't lose it.
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@TimJohnish: "I see that you're wearing a black shirt, so I'm going to be extra affectionate today." -Cats
@causticbob: I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."
@djr_102: Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone's status turns to "It's complicated" by posting "thanks for last night" underneath it.
@RubenWriter: The rain is starting to worry me. I'm afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.