My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Happy weekend !
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun