My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Practicing safe sax
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don鈥檛 stop i will
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That鈥檚 mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
every year on st. paddy鈥檚 my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
馃槀馃槀
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they鈥檙e famous or not. It鈥檚 called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what鈥檒l it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you鈥檝e got enough blankets on you? I can鈥檛 even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I鈥檓 just talking to a pile of blankets, aren鈥檛 I?
Pile of blankets: …
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.