How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me