My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Oh no
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.