@Xalqee: My wife once told me " Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms", which pissed me off because my names not Mike
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@JustDontBugMe: [Getting married] Hey, thanks for doing this with me... I wasn't sure how to operate the microwave.
@theshantilly: Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
@Brianhopecomedy: I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.