I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok