@ericsshadow: My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
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@Book_Krazy: OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL! Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
@AristotlesNZ: Apparently, "Dude, that's the best she's EVER going to look" was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.
@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
@Prof_Hinkley: I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one