recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You Might Also Like
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
me after drinking all the wine:
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.