@Social_Mime: My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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@adult_keverage: Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
@3sunzzz: My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I'm not sure if I'm mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
@TheJollygunner: Next to my high school yearbook photo it said "Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure". In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.