@Social_Mime: My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza? Me: You mean parmesan cheese? 4: I don't like cheese. I want powder Me: *Gives parmesan cheese 4: *Happy
@brentalfloss: 1942: How can we beat the Nazis? 1968: How can we go to the moon? 2006: How can a phone be a supercomputer? 2016: How can we beat the Nazis?
@JPHaddadio: They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
@SteveInevitable: If a girl texts you and asks if you think she's fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that's pretty cool.