@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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@lejessica: They say treat others how you would like to be treated. Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
@imdaintyaf: [I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky] But that means.... [Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
@Getnosexual: My parenting life wavers between "Be original and true to yourself" and "Please don't make the school psychologist call me again this week".
@MoneypennyNaked: I could never be on The Bachelor. I don't need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It's bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.