@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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@PaperWash: Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I'm grounded.
@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
@DannyMcH2O: Me: What's the capital of Ohio? Son: ... Me: It's also a famous explorer. Son: Dora? Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
@ruinedpicnic: "I want you back in my arms..." - me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed