@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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@bigmacher: #IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
@BrianIncognito: I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats. * pew pew *
@darksidedeb: I like my men well-rounded and sweet and rich and available and covered in sprinkles wait a minute... that's donuts I like donuts
@PaperWash: [while titanic is sinking] me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can't believe no one is eating these lol