My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Love this one 😂🧟
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.