My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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Me buying fruit and veg
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
The French word for sex is croissant.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.