My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”