My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Hot hot hot 🥵
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao