My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Good boy 😂😂
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Every time.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.