My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Oh my god
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market