Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.