@DirtMcTurd: My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat
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@jonnysun: ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood
@MartaEffing: Yes, you take my breath away... But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don't be so flattered.
@Reverend_Scott: How to end an interview: 1. Thank them for their time. 2. Shake their hand firmly. 3. Firmer. 4. Firmer yet. 5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
@adamrensch: People always say "Wow, your baby looks so much like you," as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.