My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I want to meet the individual who made this
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it