My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.