@edgarrants: My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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@HatfieldAnne: Att'n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
@1Happytwit: You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it's cheaper and much more effective.
@LADaddy: [At the stress test, staring at a treadmill] Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally. *sits down on a chair* Me: Okay.