My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.