@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
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@hoplesslycrazy: I talk a lot of shit for someone who won't sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
@simoncholland: Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
@OddMarc: I'm definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store. Oh, wait. That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt. I'm the second most successful guy.
@bobvulfov: dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests date 5: i don't think the moon is real