From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.