@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
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@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
@iGreenMonk: I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators... All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
@usermcuserface: Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave M: I can't believe they went off the registry. J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.