@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
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@NamestartswithZ: [Listening to Natalie Imbruglia's 'Torn' while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can't relate to this
@withanewname: Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
@RealChrisChirdo: "I won't vaccinate my kids! It's not healthy and full of dangerous preservatives!!!" *gives kid a pop tart for breakfast*