A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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Baller is short for ballerina
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.