My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.