My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here