My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I came this close!!!!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My typo game is string.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Cannot stop laughing at this
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*