My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
WHO DID THIS?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside