What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.