@TheToxicWaster: My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
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@dxblarssonENG: Top three reasons he doesn't text you back: 1. He's just not that into you 2. He's imaginary 3. He's a cat
@MandiAtRandom: I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the "caulk"
@jergarl: [on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes