@TheToxicWaster: My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
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@weinerdog4life: me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@kimtopher22: Getting my hair done Monday. Good news for the kids who scream "WITCH" as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
@cluedont: I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.