If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.