My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
sleeping beauty