She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
You Might Also Like
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog