“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Perfection.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Why is everyone getting married at me
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?