My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
okay run it by me one more time
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.