“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.