me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.