@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I'll stop putting it in his coffee.
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@Marlebean: Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see! *walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway* "Great job, sweetie!"
@LoneWolfStories: Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.
@AthenaMystique: Dear Google Maps, Don't insult me by telling me to head "southwest". If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn't be using you. Kthnxbye
@mjkspeaks: [arguing w girlfriend] Her: I feel like we have communication problems. Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.