@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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@TheMichaelRock: Foreigner: I wanna know what love is.. Me: It's a feeling you get when.. Foreigner: I want you to show me.. Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
@gogglepossum: [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter] Wife: what are you doing? Me [looking around for excuse] just...changing my tampon
@Jennuflect: [taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard
@zero3_benz: You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?