My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My birthstone is kidney
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
🐕🍷
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours