My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
More like Kate Missington.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
#parenting
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.