My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker