My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
How about daylight saves us for once
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died