My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.