My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
? 💀
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.