My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
we’re gonna need another temp
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.