My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”