due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Time heals everything 🙂
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.