Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it