My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.