My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field