My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
A ghost story
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*knuckle tats*
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