My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
bugs when you lift up a rock
I created you as mosquito food.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Generation gap…
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Meow
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec