My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
You Might Also Like
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
#Caturday
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?