@MelvinofYork: My wife says "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" when 1. she's not talking, she's yelling, and 2. I'm not walking away, I'm retreating
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@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking ME: Should I come back when you've sobered up?
@PetrickSara: This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days. KID FREE for DAYS! So I licked her face.
@girl_a_whirl: I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"