My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Quadruple digit IQ
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Help Wanted
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…