@OwensDamien: My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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@FuckabillyRex: -Why are you dressed like that? -I'm a wizard. -That's a bath robe. -Wizard's robe. -You're not magic, Ben. -Watch me make my job disappear.
@BGH70: I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
@mrjohndarby: [buys new refrigerator with water dispenser] day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser day 15: still luvin' this water dispenser day 4563: wahey! water dispenser
@Tmoney68: If you didn't get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son's principal because he was inviting girls to his "naked party," you aren't me.