@OwensDamien: My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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@madcaplaughs30: If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
@TheMichaelRock: Don't forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
@markydoodoo: At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It'll be confusing af. Can't wait.
@TraylorParker: Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home.