My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Many hands make light work
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool