@OwensDamien: My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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@brianbowman73: *applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory* What's your theory? That money can buy happiness.
@XplodingUnicorn: When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
@ArfMeasures: [Stranded after plane crash] ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first GUY: But why, pacifically? ME: Ok I've made my choice
@WienerToboggan: "honey, I can't wait to do missionary later!" *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*