My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.