Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?