@jergarl: My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don't think she's buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.
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@truegritrumble: ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don't fly. PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance* ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
@Lisa_Laughs_: fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat... cat: LOL THAT'S SO YOU!
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I hate when people say "you always want what you don't have" like that's really insightful and not just explaining the definition of "want."
@Skoogeth: Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn't have sex with you. Me: You're thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?