@jergarl: My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don't think she's buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.
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@Marlebean: Him: Your body is like poetry Me: That's so nice! H: A haiku M:.. H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom M: Just stop
@LeBearGirdle: *Paranormal Factivity* [I walk into my bathroom] "OH MY GOD" ['WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS' is written in blood on the mirror]
@daemonic3: I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"